the lusty intern
by Befham
Summary: She's done. Done with this life, done with being a doormat, done with him, done with them. Done with trying to be happy. After five years she's tired of fighting a losing battle. She isn't his lusty intern anymore.


She hears his familiar moans the second she walks through the front door. She pauses, hoping that she's sleep deprived and maybe she's imagining it. But there are no mistaking the manly grunts of his pleasure that echo down the stairs. _He's always been a vocal lover_, she thinks and almost laughs at the absurdity of the situation.

She doesn't go upstairs to confront him. She doesn't have the strength for that anymore. She's back earlier than she planned, so she knows that this isn't some fucked up form of revenge. She wonders if this is the first time that he's d one this, brought another woman to their home without her knowledge, but she dismisses the thought as soon as it comes. She's done. Done with this life, done with being a fucking doormat, done with him, done with them.

Done with trying to be happy.

After five years she's tired of fighting a losing battle.

She isn't his lusty intern anymore.

Meredith slips the diamond ring off her finger feeling numb. The heels or her shoes click on the wooden floor as she walks into the lounge and leaves the engagement ring on the coffee table. She leaves no note or any other indication that she has returned. She takes nothing with her, thinking that she'll come back to get her things when he's at work. She can't stomach seeing him, knowing that they'll end up in another argument or he'll convince her that they can work through this, that everything will be okay. Although, she wonders whether he will even try this time. He's obviously given up on their now hopeless marriage. This was his own way of showing that they were over. And she can't bear to look him in the eye and have him tell her that he doesn't want to do this anymore, that he doesn't want her anymore.

So she does what she does best.

She runs.

_You're a coward. _

Her eyes are dry as she slams the front door shut. She shivers in the cold air, briefly wondering if he'll follow her but she pushes the thought away quickly. He's probably too busy balls deep in his skank to even notice the sound of the door slamming shut.

Her feet carry her from their house and towards her car. She only feels anger at herself, for being so fucking stupid for thinking that maybe they would be okay again eventually. She doesn't want to lose him, she need's him in her life and she despises it. She hates feeling vulnerable. She had the guy, the house, her budding career and just in one day Meredith Grey's perfect little life got fucked up. She may hate feeling vulnerable, but she hates being pitied more. The pitying looks she gets throughout the hospital haunt her every step. Hushed conversations about how the once legendary couple were falling apart. The bets of when divorce papers will be signed.

She hates the fact that she has been so weak to only end this now.

With every step to her car she hears her mother's judgmental voice running through her mind. _He will ruin your life, Meredith. He'll break your heart. _She paid her mother no head the day she said those words, thinking what does Ellis Grey know about love? Now she wishes she paid more attention to her. Things had to be fucked up if she regrets not listening to her mother. Ellis Grey would have left him long ago, when he started treating her like a stranger and not his wife. Ellis Grey would never have let herself be put in that position. Ellis Grey would never have fallen in love in the first place.

Even Cristina told her to be careful, especially after being ditched at the alter by Burke, she left New York to do her residency somewhere else just to get away from it all. No good ever came out of sleeping with your attending.

She reaches her car and looks for the keys in her bag with steady hands. But then the memories come, how they met, when he proposed, and when everything fell apart. She pushes that particular memory away and when she retrieves her keys her hand is shaking. It takes several tries to unlock the car door of the ridiculously expensive car he insisted on buying for her and all the while she struggles to stay calm, to keep her mind blank and to not let herself remember. She slams the door shut and settles herself into the seat, taking a deep breath.

She's Meredith Grey. She's going to be the greatest neurosurgeon of her generation. She is not a weak little girl, she's strong and can get through this.

She will not let him break her.

When she starts the car the tears are forming, but she blinks them away impatiently and refuses to look back.

Her only thought as she drives away is, _how did things get so fucked up?_

II

She quits her job the next day and begins looking for another hospital to complete her residency in. She has to call in a favour, even name drops her mother a little bit, in order to get a position as a fifth year resident this late into the programme. Luckily her mother's friend Dr. Richard Webber has a soft spot for her and arranges for her to complete her last year in Seattle. She can't stay in New York. It's their place. She can't be near him, and she definitely can't stand to be gossiped about any more at work. A fresh start is exactly what she needs. She'll have a new job, a new life, and she'll even have her best friend back. Things will be okay.

She pushes the thought that she won't have Mark swiftly from her mind.

After a week spent making plans, ignoring phone calls from Mark and rarely leaving her hotel room, she goes back to the house after checking Mark's schedule with the hospital knowing that he wouldn't be there for hours due to a long surgery. She doesn't linger, she stuffs her clothes into suitcases, wondering how she's got so many clothes, packs her personal belongings into boxes. A small removal truck arrives and then everything is loaded and ready to go. She goes back into the house one last time. The rooms look bare without her mess and clutter filling the place. Mark always complains about how messy she is. She smiles a bittersweet smile and closes the door behind her.

II

He calls her every hour that night when he realises that her stuff has gone.

She doesn't answer.

She boards a plane to Seattle two days later after making arrangements to have her car and other belongings sent to her. She thanks the heavens that her mother never sold her childhood home, and even though the place is filled with less than pleasant memories, she's thankful enough that she doesn't have to sleep on Cristina's couch. She contemplates calling Cristina to tell her that she's here, but she knows that Cristina will attack her with questions the moment she finds out where she's living. So for three days she settles back into her childhood home with only herself for company. And her ringing phone.

By the third day she's fed up of her own company and is eager to get back to work. After two weeks without cutting, she's in agony and doesn't understand how anybody can stand staying home day in and day out.

She tries not to think about him. The blinding pain is pushed aside as she unpacks and moves her mother's furniture around to try to make the house hers, not the place where she raised herself, where her mother tried to kill herself, where her father left her. The only good thing about the place is that there are no reminders of him to haunt her.

He invades her thoughts anyway. What's he doing? Does he miss her half as much as she misses him? Why did he have to constantly hurt her? Who was he with that night? Is he sorry? Is he glad that it's finally over?

Every time her phone rings she has to stop herself from answering. The moment she hears his voice she knows that her resolve to stay away from him will crumble. She can't take the pain anymore. The little self-respect she has left forced her to leave him, to protect herself from anymore pain. But it doesn't switch off the love she still feels for him. If it had been anyone but him she would have kicked his ass to the curb the first time it happened. She's Meredith Grey. She is never second best, and she does not tolerate being cheated on.

But it's _Mark. _

The first time it happened she reasoned with herself that it was because he was hurt, they're Mark and Meredith, she couldn't lose him too. He wouldn't do it again.

But he did do it again. And again. And again.

Even when he promises her that this was the last time and she knows that he's lying, she says okay and tries to get back to how it was before all the lies and the cheating. But she realised months ago that they could never be how they were, but she takes him back each time not wanting to admit that this really was the end.

Her survival instincts are what keep her from answering the ever ringing phone, because if she hears his voice again, her carefully concealed emotions will break through and she will break down.

It takes all of her self control to not reach for a bottle of tequila and smother herself in parties, alcohol and boys until she can't even remember who Mark Sloan is. She would have a few years ago, but now she likes to think that she's matured a bit in the last few years.

Throughout the day she tries to keep him from her mind, and when he does enter her thoughts she pushes him away and tells herself that she's relived that it's finally over and he can't hurt her anymore. She almost succeeds in believing it, she's a master at avoiding and lying to herself. But late at night when she's alone in her big bed, she let's herself face the truth, just for one moment.

She thought that she'd feel relieved that she's finally left him and the pain of the last year behind, but there's a new pain now brought by the knowledge that they'll never be Mark and Meredith again. He will live his life in New York, and she will live her life in Seattle. It hurts having to admit defeat for what she's been fighting for the past year. But she can't deal with that right now so she pushes the pain away. She doesn't cry, not one tear has dropped since she made the decision that she couldn't deal with anymore. She begins to think that there is something very fucked up about her. Even cold, controlled Cristina cried when Burke left. But now that she's left the man she's loved for five years without saying goodbye and there isn't one drop of water coming from her eyes. She contemplates that maybe she's all cried out for the year. Or maybe she needs to see a shrink.

No matter what's happened, how much he's hurt her and how much she's hurt him, she still loves him. They were happy for four years, and those years mean everything to her. It's better to be really happy for a short time in your life than just being okay for all of it. The pain of the last year could never erase the complete bliss she felt for four years. Even though he hurt her and she hurt him, she could never regret _them._

II

The pain does not go away, but anger burns through her veins. The night before she starts work, she goes to a bar. She puts on a black dress that is borderline indecent and the highest pair of heels that she owns. She dresses with one purpose, to catch a man's attention. If he can sleep around, then so can she. For a moment she questions whether going back to her former lifestyle is a good idea, but then she can still hear his moans echoing in her ears and her resolve strengthens.

When a man sits next to her she can feel his eyes on her. He's handsome, somebody she would have allowed in her bed with enthusiasm if she had met him five years ago. He is no Mark Sloan though. She turns to him and hopes her smile isn't as fake as it feels. "Do you want to buy me a drink?"

Within an hour she is pushed up against the wall around the back of Joe's bar whilst this man whose name she does not remember pants in her ear as he fucks her. He sighs her name, and she feels absolutely nothing. As he moves inside of her, all she can think about is how different he feels to Mark. How Mark would have made her orgasm by now. How Mark was a far more generous lover. She kisses him, trying to absorb herself in the moment, but Mark's face keeps flashing in her mind and it takes everything in her not to cry.

This was a mistake.

She's about to push him away when he moans against her neck and finds his release.

If he notices the tear that falls he is to polite to say anything about it.

II

Her will to carry on and to survive has always been strong. She's been surviving since she was five years old when her father left and her mother barely tolerated her presence. She may look like a delicate little flower, but inside she is stronger than anybody knows. The morning that she is due to start work, she wakes up and tells herself that she can get through this. She can start over here, nobody knows her, knows what she's been through. She can be Dr Meredith Grey, a great surgeon, not Meredith Grey who seduced her attending, made him fall in love with her and got him to put an engagement ring on her finger. Not Meredith Grey who feels so much pain she isn't sure how to deal with it.

By the time she's showered, dressed and in her car, she starts to believe that maybe she actually can do this. Move on. She just doesn't know how to. She's left him, left New York, but what now? Mark's been a constant presence in her life for the past five years. He was the only one who made her feel happiness, feel loved. Mark easily dominated and breached every defence she had built around herself since she was a child. She depended on him, and now that she doesn't have him, she doesn't know how to be alone anymore.

The moment she walks through the doors of Seattle Grace, she feels confidence spreading throughout her body for the first time in a year. Being a surgeon is what she's good at, it's in her blood, it's what she's trained to do. Without the constant stares she is back in her element. There is nobody to judge her here for sleeping with her attending, and then letting her attending constantly cheat on her. Nobody in Seattle knows what her life has been like for the past year. Cristina didn't know the full extent of the situation. Here she can be known for her skills, not her personal life.

Meredith's heart beats in excitement as she looks around. She had wandered these hallways as a child, alone and with her mother. She even has a few memories of her father taking her to see her mother. A smile tugs at her mouth because for the first time in a year she feels hope.

Maybe she is going to be okay after all.

Though it has been years since she has walked these halls, she remembers her way around. She ignores the curious glances that come her way as Meredith makes her way to the Chief's office. She's used to the stares. At least they are curious instead of the pity and scornful looks she's used to.

The last time Meredith saw Richard Webber was at her mother's funeral just over a year ago. She had been happy then, her and Mark were finally beginning to get their happy ending. Her mother's death had not come as a shock to her. The Alzheimer's couldn't get any worse, and then her heart finally gave out. Though she hated to admit it, Meredith was slightly glad that her mother was at peace. She would have hated what she become.

Richard was always present in her earliest memories. He had worked with her mother since the day she was born until they eventually left for Boston. There were times, especially after her father left, when her mother left her to wander around the hospital when she was in surgery and there was nobody to take care of her. Richard would sometimes come to take her for something to eat and would even play some very ridiculous games with her that made her cringe now. In some ways, this man was more of a parent than her mother or father ever were. When Ellis would tell her that she had no time for her, it was Richard who hugged her and dried her tears. Over the years Meredith has wondered if the man had been in love with the emotionless Ellis Grey, or if he was just a genuinely good man who wouldn't see a child neglected. Regardless, she was thankful to the man for everything he has done for her, especially now.

He's sitting at his desk when she is admitted entrance into his office, but when he sees her he stands and grins. "Meredith! You're here!"

Between the almost paternal grin he's giving her and the familiar sound of his voice, for a second she feels five years old again and wants nothing more than for him to hug her and tell her everything is going to be alright.

But she isn't give years old anymore, so she pushes it away and smiles at him. "Thank you for having me."

After inviting her to take a seat, he tells her what is expected of her and not once does he mention anything personal. She can almost feel his curiosity, but he doesn't ask why she is here without Mark, why she called him practically begging him to let her work at his hospital. For that she's grateful. Explaining that her fiancé - ex fiancé - is a cheating scumbag and she's finally had enough of being a doormat would have been an awkward conversation to have with her dead mother's friend.

"We can hold off signing a contract for now until you decide if you want to stay-"

"That will not be necessary," Meredith interrupts. "I won't be going back to New York. I'm here to stay."

Richard frowns and she can see the effort he takes to keep his questions to himself. "Are you sure?"

_No._

"Yes, I'm sure."

She can see the worry in his eyes, but she offers no explanation or reassurance to him. He sighs in defeat. "Very well. I'll have the contract drawn up."

Richard shows her around the hospital and introduces her to doctors whose names she forgets almost the moment they're mentioned. The one whose name she does remember was a short woman named Dr. Bailey who seems to despise Meredith the moment she meets her. Richard seems fond of the woman, so Meredith smiles at the woman instead of giving into temptation and glaring at her. She tries not to take it personally, the woman seems like a dragon on her best day.

The curious looks she had gotten before seems to have increased tenfold now that she has the Chief showing her around. She's only a resident, there is no reason for her to be shown around by the Chief of Surgery. Richard leaves her by the nurses desk and she spends a few minutes going through her charts until she hears a hesitant voice calling her name.

She turns and almost rolls her eyes. She's been given interns. Four of them. When she feels her phone buzzing in her pocket and the name Mark Sloan appears on her screen, she almost wants to laugh at the irony of it all. She hastily rejects the call and pushes the memory of him whispering, _"My lusty intern," _into her ear out of her mind. She's tempted to warn them not to fuck the attendings because it's a career killer, but she manages to push the thought away before the words come out of her mouth.

Meredith regards the four young doctors coolly and thinks she doesn't have a reason to worry about them fucking their attendings. They're eager. Too eager. The two girls look too sensible to fuck their boss, one of the guys looks like he just graduated from high school and the other was hardly a looker. Besides, it was usually the girls who slept with their superiors.

She should know. Cristina too.

One very enthusiastic girl steps forward with a big smile. "Hello Dr. Grey, I'm-"

"Let's get one thing straight. I am not your friend, I am your resident." Meredith glares at the girl until the smile vanishes from her face and she steps back into line. "I don't care who you are, where you're from or where you went to school. You do what I tell you and you go where I tell you. I do not tolerate sloppy work, I do not tolerate you being bad, which makes me look bad. You're doctors. When you walk through these doors you leave whatever crap that is going on in your life outside of this hospital. The only thing you focus on is your patients. Get used to labs, charts and rectal exams. Do not complain. Do not harass me. Do not kill anybody. You're interns. You're nobodies. You're job is to do what you are told. Any questions?" The four doctors look at her with wide eyes as they hesitantly shake their heads. "Good. Then let's get started."

For the first time in a very long time, she is in her element.


End file.
